Its been a while since she left us, a few month already past without her.. i wonder, how are you ahma? are you fine there? its been a long time i din speak to you right? and its been a long time too i din go back to home..i miss home a lot, miss dad,mum, all of them at sabah and you are the one that i miss the most.. even thought you not here now with us but still sometimes i do really feel you especially when i at sabah..when ever i go i always do remember all about you the memories that we spend together there a lot.. i remember when i was a child you always be there for me.. i still remember that every weekend you will bring me to the sunday market went buy vegetable, fish and kuih. you always will asking me "what kuih did you want to eat" or "just take which one u like".. all those memories still fresh in my mind i do remember all about you.. and one things, i really miss your cooked especially the " soup sayur manis" with the "ubi kapal" or something im not so sure.. Did i tell you that now im working at John's pie,i dont even told mum because if i told her she maybe will not let me go work. There one times, there one old lady came to buy pie that old lady really made me remind of you. After the old lady went away my tears was suddenly drop, my heart so pain i do really miss you that time.. i remember when that day you left us i do really miss you so much!..
Every time i miss you, think about you, i will keep playing this song..its about i miss you ahma.. i really do im sorry if sometimes when i do remember you i will cry its because i just too miss you.. im okay now, dont worry!
There a thing that i have my own reason why i dont what to say about it. i dont have any purpose not to telling the truth it just because im trying to forget all those crazy damn feeling thing. i hate to recall everything the thing that let me drown in the deep black hole. Maybe i already forget what had happen but when i do remember it again the pain still there the scar that have been leave it bloody again it was too pain. i do remember how does the pain felt. it took me a long time to heal all the pain that i felt. just im sorry that din tell the truth.
Today is Wednesday, is rainy day here. :) a few hour ago, i just came back from collage and then i start to surf internet like always I do. First thing that i do are log in into my facebook XD.. then i check out my notification i saw my mum comment on my photo. i click it, guess what i saw? i saw a words from a mother heart. The comment was sound like this " i (mummy) was realized that my baby girl before just big as a my hand and now she already grow up become a big girl. time passed so fast.." when i done read it i was like so touch, my eyes was watering. That time i was really really really thanks to god giving me a chance a precious chance that i would will never had again. A chance to appreciate my family and people around me because of some incident it awake me from all my mistake, my ego, my stubbornness. It make me realized that for all this time they the one that always giving me love, warm place and always protect me. That day, the worst nightmare for me i keep praying to god and keep remember my family if that day something really happen on me i cant imagine what will happen to me right now. i feel shame, so sorry to them but thanks for the god he listen i pray to him he gave me energy so that i can be that strong. But now, i really understand what happen to me there a reason why it happen. From the incident, i got the lesson from it and now i know how to appreciate the people that i love and love me. and one thing i really sure that god always stay by our side he always helping us. There also family and friends that always stay by my side. i really appreciate my life that i have now.
Everything is about what had i through this month, i met new friend, new thing and other. it started when my friend S invited me go to beach with she and her brother. yes, there also have another people which was their friends. and tell the true i'm not the one that good in having social with others. sometimes it make me hard to getting close to them especially guy. so, after the first meeting with them i started to getting knew more friends of them. when i first saw them, i keep asking myself that wow "how do they can be that good in communicate with others" you know what when i saw suddenly i felt like i wanna be like them i want to learn how to communicate with them so that i can mix with them. i also felt like i want to know more, learn more so that i can had a topic to share with them because my knowledge was so limited. that make me hard to started a conversation because there a lot thing that i cant catch up. actually, there so much that i can learn from them since i know them. my friend also invited me to her church, you know the feeling that you have that you so peace, safe and there a place for that always for you. that what i felt when i was in there, my heart was touch, it like i can see for i am really are all the pressure, stress, problem seem like all are gone away..i felt so peace just like before.. when i saw the group of people it really open my heart and mind to take a chance of my life.
She the one and only, the greater one. She is my ahma (grandmother) the one that i love so much! the one that watch me from i was a child till i grow up.. i never thought that this year will be the last chinese new year that i celebrated with her.. and i never thought that on that day was the last day i can see her before i came back to kuching study. when i get the news that she was sick i was cry i was scare that she got away from me. my heart really want to go back to see her but because of presentation i postponed few day to go back. i had talk to her on the phone when i heard her voice my heart pain how much i miss her.. the last word she say to me make me speechless make me cry but i pretend to be okay i don't want to let she know that i was crying. after a few day, i'm happy to heard her voice and heard the news from aunt that she say ahma she had a bit good already at that time i was happy and want faster get back to see her.unfortunately, the next morning i was in library with my friends having discussion and suddenly my mum text me that ahma she in anytime will leaving us.. at that time, i was like out of space i don't know what i supposed to do, i just want to get back there as soon as possible.i was shaking felt so weak i have no idea what am i doing. i met my lecturer for asking permission want to take a leave and also postponed my presentation date. i try to say a word but i cant i was too shock and felt so weak but i still trying to say it out even in a low voice then my lecturer hug me give me comfort, at the moment i cannot stand anymore i lose control i cry in front of her. the more she comfort me the i felt so sad but i know i need to be strong. i try to calm down and then went back to packing all the things. after a minute, i got a phone call from my uncle he told me that ahma already gone, she leave us and again it shock me. i cry so badly, all the memories about her all appeared in my mind. I could never say a words my heart so much pain i lost the one that i care i love so much for the first in my life. that day was the day she leave us, i miss the chance to see her, i supposed to go back when i get the news that she sick but i didn't. i call my mum ask about her then she told me that ahma got asking whether i came back already when i heard my mum say that i felt so sad in that condition she still remember me i felt so touch. i miss to tell her how much i love her as my ahma! she the one and only ahma that i always had and i always knew.. until now i still miss her so much!! every moment and time that we spend together, every word and advice that you said to me i will always always always remember. Ahma i want you to know that how much i appreciate and love you as my grandmother please always know that i love you even though sometime i am bad to you but it doesn't mean i hate you it was just i in a bad mood the trues is even how much u scold me before i still love you so much.. Ahma May you soul rest in peace, i love you ahma. you always in my heart forever. i will always miss you.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012!!! the day past so fast it already 2012..what a day!! hahaha..in this new year i hope that i can have more and more energy!!! i have so much thing need to do i hope that i can do it very well!!! i wanna be more stronger and stronger..i hope everything gonna be okay hee~ it time for busy day chinese new year is coming sooonnnn!!! hahaha...very excited i miss the happening situation of all out family..this year will be great then the last2 year!!! hahahahha...counting the day!!! and i gonna put my effort too..^^ i hope a change of me this year..XD
